I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
