Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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