Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
