my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize