He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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