I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I enjoy the company of your penis
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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