Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
