your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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