dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
