the only muscles i have these days is kegels
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
