So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
It's Friday. Sex?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
