This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
