The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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