yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
