oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just google imaged poop.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
