Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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