So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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