These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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