I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Sober January is a disaster.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
