I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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