I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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