i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
