I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize