There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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