You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
