The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize