"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
