I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
This is the high leading the old right now
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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