This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Randomize
