My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
