I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
