I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
