You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Randomize
