I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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