dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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