2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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