she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
