Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
