Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
