3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
