im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
