pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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