whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
