do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
This toilet bowl is my home.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
