Can i not drive my cunt home
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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