I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
