walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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