I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
