plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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