Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
