and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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