he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
