I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
