Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
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