Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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