just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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