I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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