Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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