Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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