I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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