And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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